A break up on the cards?

So my current supervision relationship might come to an end over a paper about ‘cracking the shits’. I felt pretty good about getting a draft of my affect paper off to my supervisors a week before our meeting. I was sure there was a lot in the paper that still needed to be tidied up, but I felt that it would be a good test exercise to work out if I could get some support around how to work my ideas up into a thesis.

Initially I felt pretty good when my supervisor’s reaction included the suggestion, only more seriously than when she has mentioned it before, that maybe she is not the person I should be working with. It felt good because I felt like my frustrations over the past couple of years had some validity, and there is now hope that perhaps things could be different.

However, I feel awful that I have let things drag on so long. I do not feel like I have demanded a lot of time from my supervisor (especially in the second half of the first year through to early this year), but I am sure if she feels like this then it cannot be pleasant for her. I know that I have tried to detangle our communication, but clearly I have also set a lot of important issues to the side and never quite got back to them.

Now I have no idea what is going to happen, but I know it is going to mean a lot of work. The impression I got from the meeting was I can change my project, change supervisors or just do it on my own and hope that it works. Doing my own thing has not got me all that far and quite frankly changing my project does not appeal to me at all. I know I am going to have to ask people for help, and that terrifies me a little. Early on in my candidature I sought out meetings, and academics were kind enough to give me their time. However, I never found a way of being prepared enough with my questions and ideas, and so I remember feeling incredibly humiliated by the whole experience and guilty that I had wasted the time of others. I am sure I was not the first person to present a rather confused idea and try to get feedback on it, but I would like to think I can avoid doing this in the future.

So I guess the first priority remains setting out what I am going to write about. Perhaps I am slowly getting there. As one person kindly suggested, if your supervisor said this is not her area then this must mean you were able to tell her what your thesis is in order for her to work that out.

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